How People-Pleasing Became Your Survival Tool (And how to finally put it down)
You apologize even when you’re not sure why.
You say “yes” before you’ve even checked in with yourself.
You replay conversations in your head, scanning for anything that might’ve upset someone.
For years, I did the same.
I stayed quiet to avoid conflict. To keep the peace.
I smiled through discomfort and called it “being chill.”
I said yes when I meant no, because God forbid I disappoint anyone.
That just wasn’t who I was allowed to be.
But it wasn’t peace. It was people-pleasing.
And it wasn’t just a habit. It was how I survived.
So, where did this come from?
Most of us were praised as kids for “being good,” for not making waves.
When we did speak up or advocate for ourselves, we were met with guilt:
“You’re making me feel bad.”
“¿Y tú crees que yo no me canso?”
“¡Qué malagradecida!”
Many of us were raised to believe that saying “no” was disrespectful.
We learned that respect = obedience and that being "disrespectful" would make the family look bad.
“¿Qué va a decir la gente?”
And if your parents were verbally aggressive (which, let’s call it what it is; that’s trauma, babe), then saying “yes” became a survival tactic. It was how your nervous system learned to regulate.
You learned that love wasn’t unconditional, it had to be earned.
And you earned it by being useful, agreeable, small.
How it shows up in adulthood.
Someone asks you for something, and you immediately say yes.
You don’t even pause to check how you feel about it.
You might find yourself awake at 2am, replaying a tough conversation.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Did I come off as rude?”
“Should I text to clarify?”
Even when you do consider saying no, you’re flooded with anxiety.
Rejection. Disappointment. The fear of being seen as “too much” or “too selfish.”
It’s not that you don’t have needs, it’s that you were taught they didn’t matter.
How therapy can help you unlearn it
In therapy, we work on reconnecting with your voice and your desires.
You learn to honor your needs, and believe that they matter too.
You build the tolerance to sit with discomfort:
Disappointing Others
Not being liked by everyone
Feeling “selfish” for putting yourself first
And you learn this truth:
Discomfort is temporary. Resentment is not.
We practice boundaries without shame. We check in with your inner child.
You stop outsourcing your worth to everyone else’s approval.
People-pleasing kept you safe.
But it’s not keeping you fulfilled.
People-pleasing was never your flaw.
It was your shield.
And now, you’re allowed to put it down.
Ready to stop shrinking yourself to keep the peace?
Therapy can help you take up space, without guilt.
👉 Schedule a free consult here
